Beginner’s mind (Part 2)

Beginner’s Mind (Part 2)

Ok, so how can beginner’s mind be a self-sabotaging defense mechanism?

For me, the way this kind of beginner’s mind can manifest is 1) as a way to avoid choosing one thing to learn about at a deep level, such that I’d feel pigeonholed and would have to forego learning about other things I’m interested in, and 2) as a way to keep me from believing that I’m an expert in anything, because if I really believed that, than I’d come across as arrogant, snobby, and a know-it-all, and people might not like me.  So if that’s what I’m really afraid will happen if I become a so-called ‘expert’, than I’ll do anything to prevent that from happening, right?  A great way to do that is to stay in beginner’s mind, and one can’t be an ‘expert’ if they’re convinced they’re always learning.

Although this way of thinking might have been a way to honor the way my brain works, I need to also recognize that it might not be serving me in the way I’m actually wanting it to.

However, I need to see how it’s BOTH protecting me from potentially coming across in a way that has people not like me, which I don’t want, AND it’s serving as a self-sabotaging mechanism that’s preventing me from stepping into my personal power and reaching my full potential, which is what I do want.  Does that make sense?

All this has caused me to wonder if I might have what I call ‘beginner’s mind syndrome’. In my master’s level studies in psychology, and in the DSM-IV, I’ve never heard or seen that listed as a defense mechanism. Maybe I just invented a new one, ha – at least for myself.  I’m wondering: Could it be what’s keeping me small — keeping me from feeling like an ‘expert’?  Do I even want to feel like an ‘expert’, in anything?  Because if so, that’s when I really think I would come across as arrogant or snobby.  I believe the key is finding a way to feel that competent and confident without losing one’s sense of humility and beginner’s mindedness. Is that possible?

The best way to answer that is to look into my past and see if there are any examples of times when that’s been true.  And yes, there have been times when I’ve achieved an advanced level of expertise in something and I did maintain, or so I’d like to think I did, and still do, a sense of humility and beginner’s mind, such as with kung fu, tai chi, and yoga.

And now, I’ve chosen a profession that requires me to step out of a certain comfort zone and think big, dream big, be big.  If I can’t do it, how can I be a model for clients who are wanting and needing to be coached around that themselves?

It’s time for me to snap out of beginner’s mind and realize that I am competent in the skills I’ve been developing over the last few years, I am good at what I do, and I’m confident that my contribution, however small, is helping to raise the consciousness of humanity, one teen and one adult at a time.  And I’m only going to get better with more time and practice.

Although I’ll always feel that I’m a work in progress, I can also start trusting that I do have the tools and ENOUGH of what I need to make it in this new career. Funny how I can be confident in some areas of my life – academics, sports, kung fu, tai chi, yoga – and not so confident in others – marketing myself, running my own business, charging what I know I’m worth, and believing that I’m no longer a beginner in the field of coaching.

I need to remind myself that I’m still in transition and there’s a lot to learn in the early stages of embarking on something new, and that my confidence in these other areas will grow over time. I tend to like things to move at a faster pace than they sometimes can, so just being ok with what is and being in the process to allow things to unfold as they need to is the practice for me.

Ok, so I hope I’ve been able to explain why I consider beginner’s mind to be both a gift and a self-sabotaging mechanism. If not, please write me with any questions about it.

Beginner’s mind: a gift, self-sabotaging defense mechanism, or both? (Part 1)

Beginner’s mind: a gift, self-sabotaging defense mechanism, or both? (Part 1)

If I come across as arrogant, snobby, or self aggrandizing in the beginning of this article, 1) that’s not my intention, and 2) it will at least help illustrate a point that will be clearer later on, I hope.  I will attempt to describe two ways of looking at beginner’s mind, and explain why I see it as a gift and a self-sabotaging defense mechanism.

All my life, I’ve loved being a student, I mean really loved it – learning new things, mastering new skills, researching, filling my mind with knowledge and information, collecting degrees and certificates (two masters degrees, certified kung fu and tai chi master, certified life coach, yoga, etc). Not only have I always enjoyed being a student, I’ve been really good at it.  I guess I’ve been what you’d call a high achiever. Too bad there’s no high-paying jobs for being simply a high-achieving student.

And isn’t it natural that we want to keep doing what we’re good at, what comes easily, what gives us pleasure, and what allows us to avoid pain and the real world – where we have to be responsible and self sufficient?

“If you really like something you keep doing it, sometimes after it’s no longer appropriate to do it.”— Howard Stevenson (Harvard Business School professor)

Not that I think that continually pursuing more education or learning new skills is ever not appropriate.  Only that overdoing anything can be counterproductive.

As much as we want and need to individuate and assert our independence, there’s something about feeling safe and nurtured in an environment where all you have to do is study, learn, and get good grades on tests and papers. It feels good; it’s rewarding. Like anything that gets those dopamine and serotonin juices flowing and is positively reinforcing, it’s also potentially addicting. It’s like a need to keep getting a pat on the back that affirms you’re doing a good job, being a good girl (or boy), or just proving your competence.

I was that ‘good girl’ growing up, most of the time.  I knew my parents loved me and were proud no matter what, so it was almost like I was just fulfilling expectations, without feeling a need to push myself to exceed those expectations (why should I if what I was doing was already getting me the love and attention I needed?).

Being the kind of person who was interested in many things and who probably had some traits of A.D.D., I tended to be a dabbler.  I enjoyed the initial learning curve, would get bored, and would move onto the next thing. I loved that feeling of ‘beginner’s mind’ during the process of mastering new skills, so I often attained a certain competence in many things, but never became an expert in any one.  I’m sure if I had been a doctor, I probably would have been a Generalist, at least for a while.  I always believed that the world was full of possibilities, so based on the following definition, maybe I’ve been a Zen Buddhist all my life without even knowing it, ha.

As Zen Buddhist Suzuki Roshi said in the prologue of his book, Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind, “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s there are few.”

As great a gift as it might be to have this kind of  ‘beginner’s mind’, our society rewards those who specialize and become ‘experts’ in their fields.  We call them Specialists, or Subject-Matter Experts, and they’re usually well compensated financially for their ‘expertise.” Although these people are important for many kinds of progress to occur, I believe we also need to be careful to ever think of oneself as an ‘expert’, and to be careful which ‘experts’ we might be choosing to blindly follow, whether in school, work, religion, etc.  For a great and inspirational talk on this subject, I recommend watching Noreena Hertz on TED, who discusses “How to use experts—and when not to”.

When describing what beginner’s mind is, Abbess Zenkei Blanche Hartman says that “Beginner’s mind is Zen practice in action. It is the mind that is innocent of preconceptions and expectations, judgements and prejudices. …I think of beginner’s mind as the mind that faces life like a small child, full of curiosity and wonder and amazement.”

If that kind of beginner’s mind is considered a gift and something to strive for, than how can it also be a self-sabotaging defense mechanism?

To find out, tune in to Part 2, which I’ll post in a few days…

A MOMENT OF EMBARRASSMENT CAN = OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH

I recently had a brief moment of embarrassment after giving a speech at the Marin district Toastmasters International contest last week.   First, I found out just before speaking that I wasn’t even eligible to enter because I hadn’t given at least 6 speeches yet in my club (oops! didn’t know, and the leaders of my club hadn’t realized either, oops!).  However, I appreciated that they let me give my speech anyway, and it was great practice.

Afterwards, I was asked a question that I was not able to answer as completely as I would have liked.  The question was, “If one of the benefits of Life Coaching is to help people clarify and create vision and mission statements for their lives or companies, have you done that too, and what are yours?”  Well, yes, I had created them for myself during my coaching training program that I completed 8 months ago, but I had never memorized them or been put on the spot like that to recite them.  Ahhhh!!  I did my best and stumbled my way to a response.  However, it made me realize that I want to be able to articulate that in a way that demonstrates why I think it’s important to me.

My vision and mission statements are a bit long, which is probably why I never attempted to memorize them (laziness).  For me, it’s one thing to write something like that, and another to articulate it verbally.   However, it just so happens that one of the speeches at the following Toastmasters meeting was about Living Poetry and a technique to memorize and recite poems, that the speaker had learned from Kim Rosen, author of Saved by a Poem: The Transformative Power of Words.

As I believe the universe provides us with what we need when we need it, if we’re open and aware enough to notice, this was perfect timing.  Now I have copies of my vision and mission statements everywhere (my purse, car, by my bed, on the fridge, etc), I slowly read them and recite them over and over, I try to feel the rhythm, and in time I trust that those statements will begin to reside within me.

Here are my vision and mission statements (which are continuous works in progress).

My Personal Vision Statement

“I see the expansion of human consciousness and a heightened sense of overall wellbeing through the increased understanding of neuroscience and the growth of effective mindfulness and empowerment techniques that come from the merging fields of psychology, Eastern spirituality, yoga, education and life coaching.”

My Mission Statement

“My mission is to empower people to better understand themselves by providing the highest quality of coaching that focuses on the whole person; by cultivating my own personal awareness and growth; by staying current on latest developments in neuroscience, psychology, education and coaching; by speaking and connecting with people on a deep and authentic level; by freely sharing ideas, theories and models of empowerment in the forms of workshops, public speaking, writing and coaching; by staying committed to my yoga practice, embodying those tools both on and off the mat; and by using all appropriate therapeutic approaches and evidence-based modalities to achieve optimal health and well-being.

And for anyone interested, I’d like to share with you how I was taught to create them in my coaching program with Dr. Rosie Kuhn at ITP.

(The following is taken from Dr. Rosie Kuhn and The Paradigm Shifts Coaching Group)

CREATING A VISION STATEMENT

A vision statement articulates a guiding philosophy that addresses the purpose of your existence.

A Vision Statement needs to:

• Be essence based…from your authentic self.
• Describe the best possible outcome…or even better.
• Be bigger than you … highly ambitious or impossible.
• Be long term …a decade or more.
• State personal beliefs and values…taking a stand.

 

CREATING A MISSION STATEMENT

While a vision statement represents an ideal outcome, a mission statement focuses on action – representing the chosen path to get you there.

A Mission Statement needs:

• Focus on core objectives and vision statement.

• Provide direction for a specific outcome.
• Guide day-to-day actions and decision making.
• Include specific behaviors/qualities that support a desired outcome that can be measured over time.

After creating your vision and mission statements, it’s helpful to choose some strategies in support of your mission, and tactics in support of your strategy.

STRATEGIES AND TACTICS

Strategies and tactics are created with the sole purpose of materializing the stated mission in order to carry out the overarching vision. (I like 6-month timelines.)

Strategies are specific initiatives that support the intention and purpose of the mission. Each strategy includes a timeline with a measurable outcome for success.

Tactics are specific actions that support that strategic objective. Tactics should forward the strategy toward success and be finite and quantifiable.

Some of my Strategies & Tactics for 1^st half of 2011

Strategy: Attend lectures, conferences, workshops with leaders in the fields I’m interested in.

Tactic:  Find something to attend once a month for 6 months.  Work at our booth and attend lectures at New Living Expo in April.

Strategy: Commit to Toastmasters and become more active.

Tactic: Complete all 10 speeches and play role of Toastmaster a few times by June.

Strategy: Increase the content on my website and learn more about ADD/ADHD to create a niche I can use in marketing my practice.

Tactic: Write a blog entry once a week and one related to ADD/ADHD once a month. Find out how to raise my visibility with ADD/ADHD market.

Strategy: Find more places to present my workshop and possibly find partners to work together on it.

Tactic: Contact other recovery programs to ask if they’re interested by March 30.  Organize one for women in my office by June.

I hope you found this article helpful.  If you’re interested, I invite you to create your own vision and mission statements for yourself.  Once complete, I would recommend that you practice articulating them out loud with a friend or a coach, especially if you want to start taking steps toward actualizing them for yourself.

Pollyanna Grows Up, Gets Empowered and Empowers Others Through Life Coaching

(the following was for a speech I just did at Toastmasters, where I won Best Speaker, which means I will be speaking next week to represent our chapter at the regional competition)

Does anyone recognize who this is?  It’s Hayley Mills, who played the role of Pollyanna in the movie “Pollyanna”. It’s a movie created from the book written in 1913 by Eleanor Porter, who also wrote “Pollyanna Grows Up.”

When asked what was the best advice he ever got, CEO of Google, Eric Schmidt, replied, “to have a coach.”  He said: “Every famous athlete, every famous performer, has somebody who’s a coach, somebody who can watch what they’re doing and say, ’is that what you really meant?  They can give them perspective.  One thing people are never good at is seeing themselves the way others see them.  A coach is really good at doing that.”

Who would agree that we aren’t so great at seeing ourselves the way others see us?  And how many are perfectly happy to keep it that way? … which makes me wonder…

Maybe that’s partly why some people don’t want to hire a coach.

See myself as others see me?  Challenge me about whether something I did or said was what I really meant?  Really? Thanks but no thanks.

Of course, if you’re the kind of person who’s always authentic, kind, loving, compassionate, nonjudgmental, and everyone you know or meet thinks you’re the cat’s pajamas, and your life couldn’t be better, why would you mess with that, right?

We all like to think that we know ourselves pretty well, and hey, if you’re a high  functioning person with a successful academic or professional career, happy and fulfilling marriage/relationship and family, general positive attitude (which is how I saw myself and my life), why look for areas for improvement? I’m happy in my Pollyanna bubble, as is.

In the next 5 minutes, I’m going to get a little vulnerable, something I don’t do well, and share 1) a personal story that led me to discover coaching, 2) how I’ve been transformed from it, and 3) why I’m now inspired to facilitate that transformation in others.

Something happened to me a few years ago, that I had some shame around, because it was something about me that seemed like it was going to get in the way of achieving a particular goal/outcome that I thought I wanted at the time – to become an MFT – therapist.  It was toward the end of my master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, with 1 semester to go, and I get called by the head of the department, thinking we’ll be talking about my internship or something. And he says that ‘being a therapist might not be the right thing for me.’  He said that ‘I come across as Pollyanna-ish, and in a field where you’re working with a lot of depression and trauma, if you haven’t experienced that, or you seem Pollyanna-ish, it might be hard to meet clients where they’re at and connect with them to do this kind of work.’   What I heard was: ‘what planet are you from?  Pollyanna-ish, bad.’ And, ‘you don’t quite seem to fit the mold of the kind of therapists we train here.  Pollyanna-ish, bad. Pollyanna, Pollyanna, not appropriate around here, OMG, where’s he going with this?’ After my heart dropped to my stomach and came halfway back up, I took a deep breath and thought, ‘wow, I’d been getting all As (1 B+), served as Co-Chair of the MCAMFT Student-Intern Committee, was invited to continue at my internship, was spending $40,000 on this, did the required therapy hours, which I only endured because I had to (to be honest), and now it’s being “suggested” that I take the general master’s in Counseling Psychology rather than continue on the MFT track?  How’s that for a nice two by four across the head?  and blow to my ego, of course.

As CBT and Stoic philosophy teaches us, it’s not events, but our interpretations of events that cause our upset.  Well, my interpretations at the time caused me to be quite upset.  After all, now what?  Oh, and also, congratulations on making me cry, which doesn’t happen much with me, which I think might also have been part of the problem.

Anyway, I was then stuck with the ‘now what?’ feeling, which I’m actually pretty good at.  I immediately shifted into my researcher/problem solving mode, searching for other possibilities of what else I could do with this degree – maybe get a Phd? etc.  Fortunately for my Pollyanna-ishness (as I and the original author Eleanor Porter seem to define it as meaning having an optimistic outlook, versus how some have come to use it pejoratively as naïve optimism, which for some is probably true), I came to see that that two by four served instead as a magic wand, leading me to find the coaching program at ITP.  Like Ollivander says in Harry Potter, “The wand chooses the wizard.”  I take that to mean there’s a larger guiding force in our lives, and when we’re faced with a challenge and can see it for what it’s supposed to teach us, we’re one step closer to growing into our inner wise wizard.

In the coaching program, I felt I was with like kind – yogis, grounded and spiritual yet also high achievers, who functioned from a higher level of consciousness, and were positive by nature.  A group who welcomed ‘Pollyannas’, and saw that quality as a gift.

And what I got out of my first few sessions of coaching was so much more than all the  therapy I did.  I decided coaching was it for me, and working with higher functioning clients was also more appealing to me.

Coaching is all about present/future, distinguishing essence from survival, ego work, understanding how we sabotage ourselves, exploring past events only to understand their relevance to what’s happening now, which empowers us to expand our comfort zones so we can grow into our fullest potential.

In short, it helped me distinguish my actions from what I say I want, which revealed my conflicting commitments and what I’m actually more committed to –my freedom and flexibility – which empowered me to see how my survival strategies of distracting, avoiding, procrastinating, being nicey-nice, serve me in keeping me in my comfort zone – being disorganized, doing things when I feel like it, avoiding conflict – which prevents me from getting what I say I want, which is to be more organized, authentic and assertive.

Now I notice more when I’m in my strategies, or clients are in theirs, and it’s rewarding to be able to interrupt that cycle and choose from a more empowered place.

How many of you consider yourself a lifelong learner? How many are open to opportunities to grow yourself – personally, professionally, spiritually?

Benefits of Coaching:

1. Clarify your vision and mission for your life. 2. Learn how to better manage challenging situations (anxiety, work/life balance, transitions, adult ADD) 3. Increase self awareness and enjoy the freedom that comes from feeling more empowered to make choices that serve your authentic & higher self.

 

“My relationship with “Pollyanna” is a very personal one, because Pollyanna got me through my childhood.” - Eleanor Porter

I can relate to this quote because my childhood was not without its share of sadness and trauma (mainly my teens), and my “Pollyanna-ishness” helped me get through it.

Life Coaching is work of the heart, and the mind, and it’s transformational, which is why I love it and it inspires me every day.

I believe everyone can benefit from someone who can help them see themselves the way others see them, and shift to a way of being that creates more of what they want and less of what they don’t.    What are you afraid of?   I invite you to give it a try.

Cognitive Dissonance as a Motivating Force

Aesop’s fable: The Fox and the Grapes (where the term ‘sour grapes’ comes from), is a common example that illustrates cognitive dissonance. After a few failed attempts to jump up and grab the grapes, the fox gives up, walks away scornfully with his nose in the air, and says, “What a fool I am. Here I am wearing myself out to get a bunch of sour grapes that are not worth gaping for.”  There are many who pretend to despise and belittle that which is beyond their reach. He convinces himself that he doesn’t want them after all. His act of retreating clashed with his knowledge that the grapes were tasty. By changing his attitude toward the grapes (sour versus tasty), he rationalized and provided an acceptable explanation for his behavior (giving up and retreating), which reduced his cognitive dissonance.

What do you do when you don’t get something (a job, for example) that you thought you really wanted and were excited about?  How about convince yourself that you didn’t really want it anyway, that it probably wouldn’t have been the right fit, that you were overqualified and would have been bored, that it’s their loss, etc.  That thought process is an example of cognitive dissonance (“I want the job”, and now that I can’t have it, “I don’t really want it after all”). Sound familiar?

Well, that exact situation just happened to me this week, when I didn’t get a job that I thought I wanted.  Ironically, a few days before I got the news, I had attended a talk given by Dr. Elliot Aronson – a Social Psychologist, listed as one of the 100 most eminent psychologists of the 20th Century. He had studied and worked with Dr. Leon Festinger, who developed the theory of Cognitive Dissonance in 1957.  Interestingly, the way Aronson expanded on that theory by relating it to the self-concept is much of what I do as a coach – help people distinguish thoughts and beliefs from behaviors, being from doing, essence from survival, so they can feel more in alignment with their true authentic self.

So what is cognitive dissonance? According to Merriam-Webster, it means “psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously.”  In other words, a feeling of disharmony or disingenuousness. The diagram below summarizes Festinger’s theory, which says that when there is inconsistency between a belief and an action, there is an increase in dissonance, and because we don’t like to feel that, we tend to do one of three things: change our belief, change our action, or change our perception of the action (rationalize, justify, etc), in order to decrease the dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is the distressing mental state where people feel they do things that don’t fit with what they know, or have opinions that don’t fit with other opinions they hold. And because we want our cognitions to be consonant, or consistent, this tension motivates us to change either our behavior or our belief in order to avoid a distressing feeling. The more important the issue and the greater the discrepancy between behavior and belief, the higher the magnitude of dissonance we’ll feel.  Naturally, we’ll do whatever it takes to minimize or eliminate it. Much of this seems to occur at a subconscious level, so we might feel powerless to change it unless we find ways to notice it and bring more awareness to it. This is one way that coaching is helpful, because a coach can help us to better understand how we do this with ourselves.

I like how Aronson reformulated the theory (in 1969) by including a threat to the self-concept. He said that cognitive dissonance does not arise because people experience dissonance between conflicting cognitions. Rather, it occurs when people see their actions as conflicting with their normally positive view of themselves (i.e. if I agree to lie for $50, the dissonance will be not so much because of inconsistent cognitions that lying is bad and accepting money for lying is wrong, but because of how it makes me look to others and how it threatens my self-concept of being an honest and good person).  Aronson said we aren’t rational animals; we are rationalizing animals who want to appear reasonable to ourselves. If dissonance exists, it’s because one’s behavior is inconsistent with one’s self-concept (an incongruence between what we do and who we are). An example might be a belief that you’re not a sell-out, while at the same time working in an unsatisfying job because it pays well.

The amount of dissonance one experiences is directly proportional to the effort one invests in the behavior. The fox might not think the grapes were sour if he spent the whole day jumping to get them. Attitudes follow behavior because of the effort we’ve committed. So naturally, if we put a lot of effort into something that doesn’t work out, we’re more likely to experience greater dissonance than if we didn’t, also partly because we don’t want to look foolish for exerting so much effort and then failing.

With my example of the recent job situation, I had put a lot into trying to make it work out a few months ago and was excited when they offered me the job, which made it all the more upsetting when they rescinded the offer the first time (because they brought back a previous employee instead). At that time, the thought of “I’m a failure” was inconsistent with the thought of “I’m smart, competent, likable and high achieving.”  My cognitive dissonance was high, so I had to rationalize a lot to get over it and move on. However, this time, when I was told I’d be considered for the same job again, and then they told me I didn’t get it, again, I did not have anywhere near the same level of cognitive dissonance. This is partly because I didn’t put so much effort into it or place as much importance to it. Plus, I had time to reevaluate it and see that it really wasn’t the best role for me right now, so I didn’t have to rationalize as much. I had already convinced myself of everything I listed in the first paragraph, and time allowed me to reconnect to my positive self-concept. I believe that every rejection or obstacle builds our character and resilience, and makes us stronger to step into who and what we’re really meant to be. And it’s nice how they’re leaving things open for possible future collaboration, which is reassuring, because if I do reconnect with them, it would more likely be in a role that’s better suited to my strengths, which is better for both of us.

As a predictor of dissonance, Aronson’s fear of looking foolish seems to make sense.  With smoking, for example, the thought, “I am increasing my risk of lung cancer” is dissonant with the self-related belief, “I am a smart, reasonable person who makes good decisions.”   Smoking is a great example of cognitive dissonance because it’s now accepted that cigarettes can cause lung cancer, heart disease, and other health problems, yet most people want to live a long, healthy life. In terms of the theory, the desire to live a long life is dissonant (inconsistent) with doing something that will most likely shorten one’s life. The tension produced by these contradictory ideas can be reduced by denying the evidence of lung cancer (change belief), quitting smoking (change action), or justifying one’s smoking (change perception of action).  Smokers can rationalize their behavior by believing that few smokers become ill, that it only happens to heavy smokers, or that if smoking does not kill them, something else will.  Although chemical addiction exists in addition to cognitive dissonance for existing smokers, new smokers may experience a simpler case of the latter.

As someone who works with teens to educate and support them around reducing or quitting smoking, whether it’s tobacco or marijuana, this is definitely something I encounter regularly.   As a coach, I can help them see how their cognitive dissonance is having them rationalize or justify their behaviors, which can empower them to make choices that might be more in alignment with who they are, and who they want to be. It’s all about seeing how cognitive dissonance can be a powerful motivating force to either continue what you’re doing or making changes that will bring you closer to your goals.

“Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.” – Dan Stanford

EVER FEEL A LITTLE A.D.D. or A.D.H.D.? WHETHER YOU HAVE SOME TRAITS OR MANY, YOU’RE NOT ALONE…

For those of us who 1) don’t qualify for being clinically diagnosed with ADD or ADHD based on the DSM criteria (which I listed below), and 2) definitely have enough traits to feel like we do, can joke or have a sense of humor about it, and can also see how it sometimes gets in our own way of achieving our potential, let’s talk.

I’d like to share a recent personal example to illustrate what this might look like, and because it made my girlfriend and me laugh so hard when I told her about it as we were exercising.  Scenario: I had the house to myself for a few hours during the day, as my husband and son went out.  My thought/behavior process went something like this:

Woohooo!! Ok, first I’m going to tackle a certain section of the dining area where papers, binders, books, notebooks, baskets of ‘stuff’, mail, my son’s schoolwork and school materials, etc, are in messy piles. Yes, I’m determined to organize this area, finally! Not only because I want things to look nice for friends from out of town who will be coming by in a few days, though that sure helps, but because I’m determined to clear all clutter by summer and create a more calm-inducing, feng shui environment for all of us. I want to clear the space to clear the mind, or at least try it and see if it works.  Ok, here goes.

I get some music on, start my tea, begin with the half of the dining table that’s always covered, and start to make some progress there. Feels good. My tea’s ready. How nice and relaxing it is to sit with a book and chocolate, or a cookie (or 2), while sipping my hot tea. And the only time that happens in the day is when I’m alone. Plus, I have some books that I really want to read (I’m never only reading 1 book, of course). I begin reading.  Then my mom calls long distance, and we talk…and talk… and she reminds me it was her birthday yesterday, which I totally forgot!!  I had remembered 2 nights ago, but somehow woke up the morning of and forgot to call her the whole day.   I KNEW I should have put a note on the kitchen counter instead of going back to sleep while trying to tell myself, and my half-asleep husband, that I can’t forget to call my mom tomorrow. OMG! I’m such an idiot! Of course I feel terrible and keep telling myself how stupid I was to not take that little extra effort of getting out of bed to put a note on the counter that I knew I needed to do in order to make sure to not forget.  Ughh…. Anyway, as we continue to talk, I work on tidying up that messy area (multitask) and make no more than a small dent. Then we get off the phone and I need to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom, I decide I want to take a hot shower and wash my hair, because I’ll feel better. I undress, realize I should probably do a little cleaning in the bathroom, which turns into a frenzied scrubbing of the whole room. While I’m at it, what the heck, the kitchen floor needs mopping, and I want to try my new mop anyway. I try to take the plastic wrap off the sponge part, which I struggle with and can’t get off completely because the sponge doesn’t seem to come off (who designed this stupid thing anyway?).  I’m still completely naked, because I’m planning to take a shower, and I was just going to quickly clean the bathroom and kitchen floor so I could get back to my project. I’ve never mopped my house in the nude before, but what the heck, as long as no one can see me or comes to the door. Hey, this is actually kind of freeing and fun, the way skinny dipping compares to swimming in a bathing suit. It’s a whole other experience, right? Woohoo!!!

I finish mopping the upstairs, take my shower, the boys return, and oh, whaddaya know? it’s time for dinner. Another day goes by without completing a project that I had wanted to work on.  Then again, I know I’ll get it done by the “deadline” of our friends arriving (which I did, along with other areas of the house), because that’s how I’m wired, and I know it.  Great with a deadline, not so much without one.

I have to admit, now that it’s been neat and tidy for a few days, I’m really liking it a lot, and my husband and son like it too. It feels good to hear my husband say how soothing it is.  (When I told him about the mopping in the nude, he said, “you should have called me!”).

Now I’m motivated to continue this momentum, which I hope I can keep up, though it does have to be in my own time and in the way that works for me. Everyone is different as far as what works for them, whether you have ADD, ADHD, traits of ADD, or not. It’s just a matter of figuring it out.

That day, each time I let myself get distracted – which allowed me to avoid something that seemed overwhelming – I was very conscious of the choices I was making and why. I joked with myself the whole time about how ADD it all felt, yet I was ok with it too.  I might not have felt like I was productive in one area of the house, but I was productive in other ways that I did feel good about, which was rewarding.

There’s a difference between being conscious and ok with certain behaviors, and being unconscious and then not ok.  This is part of what we want to distinguish. After many hours of working with some great Life Coaches, I highly recommend it.  It was helpful to me to have someone who understands me and could help me distinguish what I say I’m wanting from what I’m doing/not doing that keeps me from achieving that, and that helped uncover what I was actually more committed to (my freedom and flexibility! surprise, surprise!!).  I was then in a better position to practice raising my awareness in those moments, so I could be more at choice, which is what empowerment is all about. I also like to think of it as a spiritual practice, because whatever challenges us is actually a gift. When we figure out the lesson it’s supposed to be teaching us, it leads to personal and spiritual growth.  When we stop seeing challenges as opportunities to learn, we stop growing. My Life Coaches were great with helping me identify those challenges every 1-2 weeks to see how I was handling them, and then helping me choose practices to turn them into opportunities to grow myself in the ways that I was wanting. For me, it also helped to have someone to be accountable to other than just myself.  Even the psychiatrist Edward Hallowell, M.D, nationally recognized expert in ADHD and author of the book Driven to Distraction, suggests in the book that people with ADD work with a coach. The 3^rd tip in his 50 Tips to the Management of Adult ADD:

“3. Choose a coach. It is useful for you to have a coach, for some person near to you to keep after you, but always with humor…. Your coach can help you get organized, stay on task, give you encouragement, or remind you to get things done, exhorts you as coaches do, keeps tabs on you, and in general stands in your corner.  A coach can be tremendously helpful in treating ADD.” (p. 245-246)

Whether you have ADD or ADHD, or just a few traits, like me, or not, if you’re interested in your own personal and spiritual growth, I think it’s incredibly beneficial to find a good Life Coach that you can connect with, who can help you on your journey.

I might be that person for you.   To find out, I invite you to call me for a FREE 30-minute consultation at 415-246-8282, or email me at here2therecoaching@gmail.com.

Here are some resources to learn more about ADD/ADHD:

• CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder)

www.chadd.org

• ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association): www.add.org

• NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health): www.nimh.nih.gov/

• National Resource Center on ADHD: www.help4adhd.org

As far as what one would need for an official diagnosis of ADD/ADHD, here’s the criteria from the DSM-IV.  I’ve highlighted the ones that I kind of have and can relate to.  There are many techniques for overcoming most, if not all, of the symptoms, as I can attest to.  However, if you believe that you meet enough of the criteria for a diagnosis, I would recommend that you first visit a psychiatrist or psychologist to get an assessment, which is the only way to be sure and find out if therapy and medication is helpful, even if you only need it temporarily.  It is not uncommon for people to work with both a psychotherapist and a Life Coach at the same time, or work with a psychotherapist for a while and then a Life Coach.

DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR ADD/ADHD

According to the DSM IV-TR (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, pp.92-93), the following is the diagnostic criteria for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.

To qualify, you must have A (either 1 or 2) and B through E.

A. Either (1) or (2):

(1)  six (or more) of the following symptoms of inattention have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:

Inattention

(a)           often fails to give close attentions to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities

(b)           often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities

(c)           often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly

(d)           often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions)

(e) often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities

(f) often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework)

(g)         often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools)

(h) is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli

(i) is often forgetful in daily activities

 

2) six (or more) of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:

Hyperactivity

(a)   often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat

(b)   often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness)

(c)   often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly

(d) is often “on the go” or often acts as if “driven by a motor”

(e)   often talks excessively

Impulsivity

(a)  often blurts out answers before questions have been completed

(b)  often has difficulty awaiting turn

(c)  often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games)

B. Some hyperactive-impulsive or inattentive symptoms that caused impairment were present before age 7 years.

C. Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings (e.g., at school [or work] and at home).

D. There must be clear evidence of clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.

E. The symptoms do not occur exclusively during the course of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder and are not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Mood Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Dissociative Disorder, or a Personality Disorder).

10 Reflections on 2010

New Year’s Eve day, 2010.

10 reflections on the past year

1. A puppy is more work than I thought, and it changes one’s life. And although we lucked out with our sweet shiba inu, Zoey, some training will likely benefit us all.
2. Not all cats (Charlie) are playful and friendly with their new puppy sibling.
3. Cats and dogs act out, just like humans. And their interactions are as fun and interesting to observe.
4. Losing our little gray lion, Pucci, who we had for 13 years, was really sad. Fortunately he went quickly and painlessly.
5. Both of my stepdaughters, ages 24 and 28, started their master’s programs – yeah! (I’m so proud of them)
6. A 5th grade tween boy needs his space.
7. As the mom of a 5th grade tween boy, I need to back off. Smother mother beyond this point could backfire.
8. Starting a new career and business in my 40s while working part-time with teens, being the kind of mom, yogi, chef, homemaker, world traveler and wife that I want to be, is a juggling act. However, the many ups make up for the few downs.
9. Transformation starts with the self, and the ripple effects are exponential. What we do with our counterproductive behaviors is the key to our growth and success in having what we truly want, and to being the change we want to see in the world.
10. With each person I met and connected with on a deep level this year, I am seeing why our paths were supposed to cross.

This year has been quite a transformational year for me, literally!
mainly because I completed a certification program in Transformational Life Coaching at Institute of Transpersonal Psychology (yeah!). It took me a year and a half to complete, after starting it in my last semester of a master’s program in Counseling Psychology at Dominican, which I finished in 2009. Now it’s time to put all this education and training into practice and be the kind of teen and Life Coach I want to be, and know I can be.

Happy 2011. Here’s to making it the best year ever!